loss

Am I having feelings, or what?
Let’s see…
Loss feels like a sunburn that lingers and burns and stings and laughs at my attempts for beauty.
I attempted to live a life with a man that could in no way offer me true love and/or safety.
How did this happen?

Sure, feelings are often a blurring of reality. But that does not take the sting away.
If I could take the hours, days, months, years away and return to life before Joe, would I?
Of course, I have no way of knowing. All I have is today, yesterday is gone.

I want so desperately to know safety again. To wake up and not have this stinging and sorrow. Why does it hurt so much?

Ok. I chose to divorce this man who hurt me. Not only that. But, I chose to wait two and half long years for a “sign” that it was ok with God to do so. I did feel this. I am grateful that it came.

However, now I face incredible loneliness and loss. Sure, the loss is a broken marriage, but still, the loss of dreams is real too.

As a child, I didn’t dream of what marriage would be like. I had no dreams of what a wedding day would look like. So, when it happened it stunned me. I feel like I haven’t lost so much dreams of wedding days, but companion tomorrows.