wonder

Wow, it's been almost a month. sorry to those who are checking in to only find the same entry for the past month. it's been a hectic few weeks...hectic good and bad.

the retirement home job ended two weeks ago. I was entirely caught by surprise by how much I loved that job. Adoption has always been my great love, ever since I was a child. But, entering the world of elderly folks brought home how much I enjoy spending time with them and a passion has grown for their rights as human beings. Through that position I caught a glimpse of the loneliness idleness can evoke. What are we if we are not producing for our community? what value do we have if our efforts are more breathing and sleeping, instead of working and creating world change? I am reminded of a most significant book regarding these thoughts...written by one of my heroes, Henri Nouwen, the book is called,"Adam". If you have not read it, do. He shares his insights into caring for those who outwardly seem useless to our society, yet inwardly hold riches yet discovered and profound for those willing to seek them.

This book was read to me and three others as we discovered our own journey down the coast of Seattle, Oregon and California. Hearing the words of Henri spoken by a beautiful Norwegian woman was a gift I still unwrap, over and over again. These gifts are ours to keep.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your heart.

flesh and bone

Before God...never forgotton.

flesh and bone...we face our fears not with Armani pants and Prada shoes, not with painted faces or fashion flash.
we face our fears humbled and dependent on Great Light, Extreme Love, King of the lost and broken. Jesus Jesus Jesus...you are our Holy Father and Warrior King come to set us free from slavery.

set us free.
we are unable, but willing.
broken, but not destroyed.

loss

Am I having feelings, or what?
Let’s see…
Loss feels like a sunburn that lingers and burns and stings and laughs at my attempts for beauty.
I attempted to live a life with a man that could in no way offer me true love and/or safety.
How did this happen?

Sure, feelings are often a blurring of reality. But that does not take the sting away.
If I could take the hours, days, months, years away and return to life before Joe, would I?
Of course, I have no way of knowing. All I have is today, yesterday is gone.

I want so desperately to know safety again. To wake up and not have this stinging and sorrow. Why does it hurt so much?

Ok. I chose to divorce this man who hurt me. Not only that. But, I chose to wait two and half long years for a “sign” that it was ok with God to do so. I did feel this. I am grateful that it came.

However, now I face incredible loneliness and loss. Sure, the loss is a broken marriage, but still, the loss of dreams is real too.

As a child, I didn’t dream of what marriage would be like. I had no dreams of what a wedding day would look like. So, when it happened it stunned me. I feel like I haven’t lost so much dreams of wedding days, but companion tomorrows.

Help

Below is an excerpt from the website: divorcecare.com As one experiencing incredible pain through a recent divorce, the words fit my deepest utterances of grief and longings for God, my Healer. Please read and tell me if it speaks to you... Your energy imbalance affects every aspect of your life. You may feel guilty because you lack the spiritual energy to relate to God or because you lack the physical energy to care for your children or to keep up with family and friends. Please don't. Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "You need to be aware that these things are normal and to be expected, that you will recover, and that things will be fine. It's a matter of going through the process and allowing God to help you stabilize yourself. Put yourself back on the right track, and allow God to walk through this process with you. It is not a quick fix. "The painful reality is you have two choices as you walk through this process: You can either have extreme pain by doing it the right way or excruciating pain by doing it the wrong way. There is no pain-free way out." Do not feel guilty if you are not living up to your own expectations of how you should act in regard to your spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental responses. Regaining a balance is not possible right now. Just take one forward step at a time. "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4).Lord God, I choose to walk this journey with You, realizing that my pain is going to be a way of life for a while. But not forever. Amen.